A day with SLEEP THAT BURNS!

Maybe...it was never going to be?

               It had been a shitty day, work had been a relentless, a seemingly never ending pain in the arse, the phone had been going non stop, my colleagues and clients were worse than normal!  Not their fault, just me I suppose, I had to get out and when the time came for close of play for this particular day, I was gone, in a flash, desk tidied, computer off, just like vapor, I was gone. I had decided to walk home through the park, it was a nice day, the sun was cracking the flags so the bus can go and do one, the walk would clear my head anyway. I was never a 'stop to smell the roses' type of guy, never had the time I suppose but today seemed different and after a while, I actively hunted down a bench to have a sit down and just, kick back and relax I suppose, not that I felt tired, I just wanted to sit a while. So, I found a bench, sat down and just...I don't know, just watched the world go by, nothing and nobody in particular, just the fact that I wanted to do fuck all for a while!  What seemed like an endless stream of joggers passed me, they came from the left, the right, from everywhere, the buzz coming from  their MP3's made me snigger to myself, all designer trainers and headbands with the 'right' name on them, I felt sorry for some of them, all red in the face and leaking profusely, definitely looked like they were really enjoying themselves, not.

          After sitting and chilling for a while, you know, just doing a bit of people watching, which in itself is a bit of an art form these days, I know I'm not a pervert, but to look for a moment too long, and people start to look at you, looking at them and the pointing and mumbling soon starts and before you know it, you're labelled a 'perve'! With all that said and done, I just sat there enjoying this self imposed wind down, my breathing had become a gentle in and out and I had started to relax so much, I hadn't even noticed her arrive and take up position at the other end of the bench.           When someone sits so close to you and without warning, you can feel a bit awkward at first, possibly a bit pissed off even, "of all the benches" etc etc but on this occasion, I think I was so relaxed, I didn't care either way, knock yourself out, it 'ain't my bench!  

    The lady sharing the bench intrigued me, I had no clue on what she looked like, I knew what she smelt like, that sounds incredibly perverse of me but she smelt nice to me, a guy, the name of her perfume escapes me now, Christ I'm a guy and guy's only 'pretend' to know these things, a guy does not know the names and smells of perfumes, some guy's do admittedly but not the guy's I know! The sights and sounds of the park just rolled on by and it was turning out to be one of those lazy, hazy days that happen all too rarely, so when they do, you have just got to go with it, embrace it, because in a heartbeat, these day's, these moments, these all too rare times of our 'full on' lives, just go, in a second...gone.

I did not look at the lady by my side on the bench, I don't think I was embarrassed, it just seemed unnecessary at this part of the day, well, my day at least, I remember feeling calm, rested and as pompous as it may sound, for the first time all day, at peace with myself, today is on it's way out, tomorrow is another day, thank you... it's been a blast. 

    I started to lower my gaze and move my head slightly to the left, in a way that was to say the least, unsubtle, all this in a vain attempt to catch a glimpse of the guest on the end of the bench. This must have made me look like I was afflicted with something, so this move was quickly and as discreetly as I could, shelved.  Christ what a fool I must have looked, so a quick reshuffle and a clearing of the throat was in order!  What harm is there in speaking, I don't have to turn and look, I could just make a random remark about the weather followed by some gesture out in front of me, yes that's ok, no harm in that and it won't look quite so weird.

"Don't you just love this time of the day, I do, just the warmth of the breeze and the red sky, like that over there!" No answer, shit... what do I do now, I know she is still there, I can hear a paper, she is reading, right. I am going to turn and look at her and talk to her, no harm in that, and this is what I did! There she was, this lady, this nice smelling lady, face ...behind today's news, what did she look like, who did she look like?  My mind went into overdrive, all I had to go on were a pair of dainty, sandal clad feet some faded denim covered legs and a white linen blouse, this was enough to work on for now.  Was she my age, who knew, was she  younger, was she older, damned if I knew, just like a voice on the phone you hear, your mind paints a picture for you, they always look like you want them to look, then again, it's always best that it stay's that way, wishing and hoping, nobody likes to have their dreams shattered, now do they.

The curiosity was getting the better of me but what could I do, she must be coming to the end of that paper by now, the light is beginning to fade, she will just have to fold it up and...talk to me, well why wouldn't she, no harm in just having a chat.  No sign of her finishing it just yet, I gaze at my feet and kick the dust on the ground, then she shakes the paper, she is starting to turn over, no, she's just folded it, is she doing the crossword, maybe she's doing that fucking Sudoku, well that's it, I'm crap at that, so that is one thing we haven't got in common straight away. 

This is stupid, I'm a grown man, a nice bloke, I'm not a weirdo, if I'm too old, or too young, no law about passing the time of day, well, there wasn't yesterday to my knowledge. At that moment, I heard the paper being folded and placed on the bench, this is it, here I go... but what shall I say, how do I break this icy barrier that seems to be between us! I will be as normal and natural as possible, if she tells me to fuck off, then so be it but here I go...

With that, I turn and as casually as I can, I utter...

"Isn't it nice this time of...!

          She's gone, nowhere to be seen, just gone, I stand and look around, where is she, who is she, who was she?!  I fall back down on the bench, laughing out loud...

"You stupid old Sod, there's no fool like an old fool".

Well, she was there, I know she was there, the paper, it's still there, maybe she left her number on it, well they do in the movies, no number, no writing and no Sudoku, well that alone is some sort of cold comfort I suppose, I just hate Sudoku anyway! As I stand up to leave, I stretch out my arms, reach down to pick up my ruck sack...just for a minute I am sure I can still smell her perfume, she was here, is she still here?  I look around again, smile to myself, " Oh well, c'est la vie, it was a nice thought, let's call that perfume 'Summer Breeze', yeah I like that, 'Summer Breeze'.

SLEEP THAT BURNS

(Just what goes on inside the mind of Doc Martin?)

The Sudden Stop Always Appears To Be...At The Bottom!
*************************************************
(a.k.a.... My Wife scares me!)

               It is taking for what seems like...forever, turning this way then that, face down then face up, arms inside the covers... or perhaps outside but still no joy!  I have heard that if you tense your body then relax it , sometimes that helps, keep doing this for a few minutes and you will soon drop off into a deep sleep!  What a crock of bullshit, that does not work, anyway, I want to sleep not workout for Christ  sake, the boredom that doing that brings on should do the trick but no, back to the drawing board.  I keep my eyes closed in the vain hope that by keeping any form of light out, I will just drift off but to no avail.  I keep my eyes closed for what seems like hours and then...I must have just...gone, dropped off, at last I am asleep now....or am I! 
         This feeling is strange, weird even, it just does not feel right, am I asleep or am I just lying there with my eyes closed, resting, not the same as sleeping is it!  Then, from nowhere I seem to be able to feel a breeze against my face, gentle at first, almost pleasant, then the breeze becomes more like a wind and soon I'm shivering and goosebumps start to rise all over my body, this is not right, if I'm dreaming then this feels too real, too high definition for my liking, got to get out of here, got to wake up... It feels... just wrong somehow! 

        I am aware or It feels like I am,  out of my bed and not even in my room, I can't feel the floor beneath my feet so I must be...floating, so I'm thinking, am I still in bed?....I've got to be, fucking hell, now It feels that I am turning over, I don't like this feeling, turning upside down, I really do not like this feeling, let's be honest, we all like to feel in control and I am definately not in control,  God I feel sick, oh fuck, I'm turning upside down and starting to turn, I'm now twisting and it is so painful.  Fuck that hurts, Christ my back and what's the deal with my arms, they are stretching upwards, so are my legs! The feeling of speed, the whistling past my ears .... am I falling, it feels like I am, got to open my eyes, but I'm too scared but I must but I can't they are too tightly closed, Christ what is going on! What the hell is that, it appears to be coming from above me, there, over there beyond the noise of the rush, I can't see fuck all so I am assuming it's coming from there above me, up there, is that laughing I can hear, is that screaming, what is that, who is that, is that... my wife, is it?, What is she doing in my dream, who let her into my dream for fuck sake, Christ she is in my head, my inner sanctum, can I not dream alone anymore, Jesus H fucking Christ!!
                                    The falling seems to be getting faster, the whistling getting louder and that voice, that cackle is getting nearer and louder until it is right by my ear, is that her, it is you know!  With gritted teeth and with gargantuan effort, I force my eyelids open, my vision is blurred from the speed, I start blinking crazily  and soon realize that I am looking skywards but plummeting downwards and there she is, my wife, smiling at me, by my side!  She appears to be looking at photos, then shaking her head and throwing each picture away, then another and another, never does she change her expression, all she does is...sigh and shrug her shoulders and keep on...smiling at me. Then her expression changes, she starts to gaze lovingly into my eyes, then she smiles at me again, then she points down and then her smile is gone!  I look down only to see the ground hurtling towards me, I look back to her, she lovingly waves to me, blows me a kiss...and she is gone!

    I brace myself, this is it, all of the good things followed by all of the bad things start to  filter through my mind, Christ was I that bad, was I that good even!  I then peer over my shoulder as the ground is almost upon me, oh well, if this is it, if this is to be how it ends, how I end, alone and with a splat, then so be it, fuck 'em all, I know I am a good person...mostly, so goodbye it is, see you around, perhaps I shall now be able to sleep, to relax, just get this thing over with will you!  

                Then, with a bang and a jolt....I'm awake, in my bed,  sweating like a pig and ....laughing, embarrassed laughter, then again, any laugh is better than no laugh I suppose, especially on the trip I had just been on!  I know I am not alone in the bed, she was with me when I put the light out, so she must still be there, so nervously I turn to see my wife lying there and in the dimly lit room, she rolls over and say's 

"Christ you were restless last night, you are going to bed far too late"!

"I'm sorry, must have had a bad dream"

"As long as you were dreaming about me

and close the bloody window, the wind was whistling all night!
"Oh yes, I say, I  dreamt about you last night and you were looking at some photos, who were you looking at!"
"Photos!  What photos, what are you on about"?
"You threw me out of something...you were looking at photos and you were laughing....what, don't look at me like that, it was you, well it certainly looked like you and she sounded like you and you were laughing, at me for Christ's sake!  
Oh never mind!"