SLEEP THAT BURNS!

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Just Who Is The Misfit On The Train! (me or....them?)

Misfits on a train! (Yet more ramblings)

       The message came over the Station Tannoy,
    "The train arriving on platform two for Chippenham, Bath and Bristol Temple meads Stations will be leaving at 8-05",
That's ok then, I have only been waiting for forty five fucking minutes, I suppose I can wait a little longer!  At last, I'm on, it always makes me laugh, clambering on board and you always see the sign painted on the platform, 'Mind The Gap', on your own with no suitcase, no problem, but when your loaded up and your case feels like it is full of cement, your ticket is in your mouth and your spare hand is grabbing anything it can to keep you upright, now that's a different story! 

       Finally I’m aboard and now walking down the carriage having stowed my suitcase in the luggage rack, I can at least stay upright.
       It seems unusually  bereft of passengers for early evening, that's good, I can spread out across the seats and maybe get some shut eye, I am starting to feel knackered so that will be great, I could set the alarm on my phone, don't want to miss my stop now do I!  I have often wondered why do Train carriages always seem to smell the same, a bit like the smell inside a vacuum cleaner, stale rather than foul, a bit grubby rather than totally  filthy, I suppose when you think about it, in an age of change it's nice to know something's will always stay the same.

 We seem to be taking an age to get going then the shrill blast from the guy on the platform's whistle, I bet he loves that, makes him feel important I suppose, we start to jerk and the train begins to move out of the Station at last. After fifteen minutes or so, we are out of the town limits and we have reached cruising speed and the rhythmic movement of the carriage and the added noise coming from this iron and steel box becomes almost hypnotic. I can feel my body start to move in perfect time and it has become almost calming, I can feel my eyelids getting heavy but it's too early, I don't want to sleep yet, maybe later but not yet!  I know, in times such as these what do you do, start playing with your phone, yeah, that's what God invented the Smart phone for, train journeys... shit no signal and I've only got 50% battery and if I keep on playing around with it that will soon go, back to the drawing board!  By now the carriage has only got five passengers plus myself, dotted about, nobody is close by; I can't even talk to anyone without leaving my seat. I know, I shall do a bit of people watching, discreetly of course, that should make the trip a bit more bearable.

       There is a guy on the left of me about two seats up and  facing to the rear of the train which means he is towards me, brave man or perhaps he does not suffer motion sickness like I do, I have to see where I am going not where I've been. He is listening to music on his phone, white plugs jammed in your ears, always a bit of a giveaway, he's smiling, and his eyes are closed and...Oh Christ, he is singing!  Not only is he singing, he has got all the facial expressions, or should that be contortions, fuck me, he looks like he is in pain but what is he listening to, it is loud that’s for sure, it's buzzing but all I am getting are fly's in a jar, hang on, the chorus is obviously kicking in and he is starting to give it all he has got, totally oblivious to all in the carriage, he's in his own 'Caesar's Palace', holy crap, it's... Celine Dion!  He is rocking out to Celine Dion, oh my God, kill me now. Oh well someone has to and it does take all sorts I suppose but his mannerisms were more Guns 'N' Roses than Celine Dion, come to think about it, they have had a residency in 'Vegas too!

         
      My eyes wonder around the carriage and I see another man, looks like an office worker, maybe a bank manager, he has a certain 'way' about him, not a smug look but he looks like a guy who has climbed the ladder and is successful in what he does! His choice of reading material is not much help as he takes a neatly folded copy of The Telegraph from out of his briefcase and proceeds to spread it out across his table, he gets a pen from his jacket pocket, there are a few lines of ink on his shirt where he has missed his pocket before, he appears to not care a jot, in fact I don't reckon he even knows, he just turns a few pages and starts to finish off his crossword. He has one of the most annoying habits known to man, he presses down at lightning speed the top of his Parker, click,click,clickety click, clickety click, Christ that is so fucking annoying, never mind about 'water boarding', pen clicking that is what they should use at Guantanamo Bay, two minutes of that and you would grass on your own mother! He's probably a shrink and that is his form of release having been listening to other people’s problems all day!

   
      Now she is a very attractive lady, she looks kind of lonely, not exactly sad or anything, just lonely! She is tapping away on her laptop, looking over at a pile of paperwork one minute, then bashing away on the keypad the next, then her phone starts to vibrate and dance across the table. It must be a woman thing, all in a virtually seamless movement, without stopping her typing; she grabs the phone, in a split second looks at the call, stops it ringing and just throws it back down onto the table! What the fuck, that could have been important, how did she know, perhaps it's her boyfriend or maybe her old man, perhaps she's a lesbian, whatever she is, whoever she is she is now looking straight at me, oh shit, awkward moment,  I'm not staring in a pervy way honest, I’m not,  just passing the time but she does not know that, how do I make it look normal,  I smile, why not, no law against that, she looks straight at me and gives me one of those 'can I help you' looks, one of those where the eyes say it all,  the sort that tells you basically to piss off, I quickly look away but I am soon sneaking a glance back, she's giggling to herself, is that a victory for women giggle or does she find me attractive, I look back and she stares back at me and then she looks back at her laptop and proceeds to ...flick me the bird!  Well it's obvious, she must be a lesbian, she must be, it's obvious...right?

      With the gentle motion that the carriage brings to me, I begin to yawn and mould myself into the seat; it's still too early for my body to shut down and sleep so I look around a bit more. I can hear him first before he comes into view and then there is that smell drifting through the carriage, the smell that tells me that we have a 'mega snacker' in our midst! Sure enough, there he is, right by the doors to the next carriage,  the one who shall be known as 'pig boy'. He is armed and ready, not one but two pies, hence  the smell, this is a guy who looks in the hot cabinet rotisserie  in the kiosk, can't decide what filling to have, so he has two different ones, this is a guy who knows a pie when he sees one! Two pies is not enough for this bloater oh no, he has a packet of crisps, jumbo size naturally, and is that a Mars Bar lurking in the wings?  I lean a bit further out of my chair to get a better look, yes… it's a Mars Bar and it's a...King Size, this guy is going balls out! These gastronomic delights are then washed down with; of course it's the obligatory can of Diet Coke. In between crunching and chomping followed by slurping, he takes timeout to wipe his pie hole on his sleeve and flick the pages of his creased and smeared copy of 'On-Line Gamer', his reading material of choice. Wait a minute is this guy the real deal, can't think what but there is something missing...I know he has not yet belched!  Has he peaked yet , is there more still to come from this giant of gluttony, it's as if he has taken on the role of one of the characters in one of the games in the magazine. He is now picking his teeth; he ogles over the remains of the chicken, beef and chocolate mash-up he has prized from his mouth and...Back in it goes, well Waste not, want not. Another slug from the can, a rummage in his bag and wait a minute, a scratch of his greasy head, up go the legs, he is making himself comfortable, readying himself and......yes, there it is, the mother of all burps comes up from the depths of his vast gut, he is totally oblivious to anyone in the carriage, he looks like he could not give a rats arse as he spreads himself across the seats, suitably watered and fed.

       Letting out a huge sigh, more from relief at being able to at last rest her shopped out body, the harassed, worn out and thoroughly pissed off day tripper!  She's been up to town all day and although a day of shopping in London was, at first a great idea, she is obviously so glad to be going home. Loaded to capacity with all manner of designer bags, of course these include the obligatory Harrods carrier bag that is probably containing a packet of biscuits bearing the stores famous logo, but at least she was there! She looks dazed and confused, bothered and bewildered but she knows she has made it and she is now on her way home, as far as she is concerned, the day went well. She probably spent more than she wanted too, on things that she will only wear once and the dark corners of her wardrobe are as we speak, making space for all of these tossed aside garments.  As she puts the bags beside her, she is fumbling her way through what appear to be the receipts for her shopping haul of today, she looks like she is adding them up in her head, she stops and with eyes wide open and an expression that screams HOW MUCH!!!  She soon gives up the receipt tally and you can see her eyes are starting to droop and suddenly, the whites of her eyes begin to make an appearance, then, as if by magic, her head goes and she has fallen asleep!

         Well that certainly killed a few minutes, I think I will have that sleep, I shall fold my arms and grip hold of my phone, which is on silent, but the vibrations should wake me up…hopefully!