Taking The 'Caddy To Mountain Time! 
(Part.1)

    
(Most of the people in this desert tale, I have never met or am I ever likely to but if you are armed with a vivid imagination, you are going to use it now and again, don't you think!)

....and so, it begins.

           The gentle rocking of the carriage must have finally helped him fall asleep, maybe it was the breeze that came in through the open window of the carriage, either way, once he had put his head on his rolled up jacket against the window, with the gentle and the welcome feeling of the breeze upon his skin, after the humid layers that had surrounded him earlier in the day, this was more than just some 'light relief', this was some kind of heaven.
"Sir, sir, excuse me but this is where you get off, Sir, hello in there",
The guard gently shook all that remained of the sleep from the passenger, waiting for some form of response and when it came, the guard doffed two fingers under the braided peak of his blue company hat in a kind of 'lazy' salute. Bill slowly started to focus his eyes upon the guard,
"Sorry mate, must have gone for a while".,
"That would be about seven hours ago Sir, not much to see out the window at night anyway, it’s kinda black don't you know, anyway I thought you should know we are just about to drop you off at Stone Dry, which I believe, is your stop Sir!  Bill realising that this was where the journey really began, grabbed the guards arm as he turned to head up the carriage,
"Have I got time to go to the bathroom before we stop?"
Looking at Bill then at his outstretched arm, he smiled,
"Of course Sir, we will be pulling up in about twenty minutes from now, no rush, get your things together and leave them by the door", Bill was glad to know that he had a little time on his side, he was busting for a pee,
"Is there a sink in the bathroom, I want to clean my teeth and splash some water on my face"', the guard looked at him then smiled, he quietly said,
"Mind you don't piss in the sink and clean your teeth in the toilet", he obviously thought it was amusing because as he turned away again he was shaking with fits of the giggles. Bill hauled his ruck sack up the carriage and eventually got to the sliding door, gave it a couple of tugs and it was open, he smiled to himself, for some reason he always thought of an air lock door, like the ones that 'shoosh' in Star Trek! He pushed the bag under the chrome luggage rack, turned and saw a sign on the adjacent door, 'Male Rest Room’, this is it, he bent down to his bag and after feeling about inside, he found his washbag, he went across to the door and slid it open. The movement of the train seemed to be playing games with his bladder, he just could not go, the fear of missing his stop and the possibility of causing a queue at the door seemed to be working against him but he persevered. Finally, his bladder tap turned on, the relief he felt was almost pleasurable, he rolled his eyes skyward and loudly sighed,
"Holy Fuck, did I drink that much, where the hell is all that piss coming from", he muttered to himself all of the time trying to stand firm on the floor of the cubicle in order not to pee down his jeans! He washed as best he could in the tiny stainless steel basin made all the more difficult thanks to a previous visitor who had made off with the plug, he smiled to himself, that it is not an act unique to Britain, he then sparingly sprayed his arm pits with the deodorant that was getting dangerously low, first gas station or truck stop, his list of supplies was getting longer! Once he had cleaned his teeth and swilled the last of his mouthwash, one last look in the mirror, he winked at himself then slid the door open,
"Christ man, I was going to call the guard, I thought you had died on the John, what kept you, hardly the decor?"
Bill was confused. Did he know this man bearing down on him, he didn't think so, and he had been the only passenger in the carriage for hours as far as he knew! "Sorry dude, just freshened up a bit, I'm good to go now, I'm Bill by the way, next stop is mine",
"Yeah, I know, Stone Dry, are you English?" Said the stranger cocking his head to one side and squinting, 
Bill looked up to him,
"That's right, I'm here doing a bit of soul searching", pushing past him the stranger said, "thought so and.....I know", he slid the door shut, Bill was confused and looking for the right words to say while stood outside a Men's Room door, "I suppose the accent gives me away but how do you know why I'm here?" With the toilet flushing and the taps running, the stranger spoke, 
"We have been expecting you, it's ok we are your friends,” he then slid the door open and faced Bill,
"Oh shit, don't you just hate that", Bill looked at him, "hate what", the man continued “there is no plug and no towel, may I", Bill looked even more surprised when the stranger started to dry his hands on his denim shirt, his last clean shirt! It was too late to object anyway, "Be my guest, and you are" the reply was not what he expected, the stranger continued, "a good friend of mine is English, Keith, heard of him,  great guy, you would like him", Bill thought to himself, Keith is it, of course, Jesus Christ how the hell would I know him?, "no sorry, can't say that I do," then noticing the strangers attire, he quickly changed the subject, "I must say I , like your shirt man, what are they, rhinestones, pretty cool," Bill then looked down for some reason at the strangers feet, "what's with the bare feet guy, or have you got soles of leather?" Pointing to the top rack behind him, "they are mine, made for walking but I ain't walking out of here just yet!" Looking at the beautiful pair of square toed  boots with what looked like a Phoenix rising from the flames design that had been 'hammered' into the sides of each boot and each boot being resplendent with its own gleaming silver spur attached, Bill was very impressed, " are you a cowboy, is there a Rodeo up ahead?" , laughing the stranger replied, "not a cowboy, more akin to a Desperado I reckon, oh by the way, call me Gram", looking back to the boots then back to Gram, Bill had a look on his face of surprise at first then understanding and then, realisation, he looked Gram in the eyes and smiled, “good to meet you man and....I think I do know that Keith guy," then turning to pick up his ruck sack he asked Gram where he was heading, "fancy a bit of company, I reckon we have got plenty to gab about and I'm in no hurry, what do you say?", Bill stood up shaking his ruck sack into a more comfortable position on his back, then he realised Gram, had gone, he quickly turned to look on the rack behind him, the boots had also gone!" Looking all around the compartment and through the dirty Windows, he looked into each carriage; he was alone, was Gram there or was he in Bill’s head?  Was he so tired he imagined their meeting, he thought back to the bar he had called in the day before, the bar where he had gone to wet his whistle with perhaps one too many Tequilas and the joint he shared with that barmaid after the bar closed, he smiled to himself, she loved my accent too, she took him to her apartment for the night, he smiled again, was he just another 'Brit for her to tell her friends about, what the hell he thought, everybody needs a bosom for a pillow now and again and she was a beautiful person and he would always remember her, perhaps not her name but he would always remember 'her'!

    He could feel the huge train begin to slow down followed by the sound of squealing metal; the wheels were gradually coming to a stop, his stop. "Sir, got your things together, this is you, your stop, Stone Dry, population....", the guard seemed to falter, "you know, I've been through this stop countless times but I have paid no mind to that statistic ever before, 'ain't that funny!", Bill looked to the guard and realising there was not going to be an answer coming from him anytime soon, quickly went off on a tangent,  "as long as I can buy a coffee and hopefully stock up my ruck sack with some basics", then realising what he had said he shrugged, "or rather I should have said, essentials, I am going to start stinking soon and that won't do"! Politely agreeing with Bill, the guard gestured to the door of the carriage, "this way if you please, your stop awaits", Bill collected his things and for some reason felt compelled to shake the guards hand, the guard seemed pleasantly surprised and firmly shook Bill's hand, and pointing out of the open carriage door, "there you go Bill, Stone Dry, your journey now begins, I sincerely hope you find what you are looking for, good luck", Bill turned and walked towards the door, he suddenly stopped, how did he know my name?  turning back to the guard, "thanks very much but how do you....know.....my.....name?", the guard was gone, Bill looked back but he was gone, he thought to himself that if the guard was not such an amiable guy and it was the middle of the night, he would be shitting himself, he smiled and headed to the door once again. He stood there for a few seconds waiting for the dust to settle, the heat was almost as if he had opened an oven door, his eyes had become instantly dry, no time now to look for his sun glasses, he used his arm to shield his eyes and carried on walking down the steps. Now stood on the platform or more like the land between the train and the outline of a building that was slowly materialising through the dust, this must be it, this is Stone Dry, he walked towards the building still protecting his eyes with his raised forearm.
Arriving at the building just as the dust was falling away, he heard a blast on a whistle, "all aboard", it was the guard looking over towards Bill, he did that little salute that he had performed earlier, he shouted over, " hey Bill, maybe see you later", and before long the huge rattler was moving along the track slowly disappearing from view.
Finally standing in front of the station house, Bill looked around, he appeared to be alone, the door to the building was propped open, presumably to allow some air to flow through, he started to make his way to the doorway, feeling as he went for his wallet in his jeans, trying as best he could to remember the list of supplies that he hoped to pick up, "Christ I hope there is some kind of shop here", he muttered under his breath and as he walked in, he smiled widely, there was a small convenience store opposite the ticket office, smiling he thought his prayers were answered that is until he saw the closed sign hanging on the door, "fuck it, what am I going to do now, I stink like a moose!". He turned and walked up to the ticket window and peered through the round grill, "hello, excuse me, anybody here", he stood and waited for a response, nothing, he called again, slightly louder this time, Hello is an...." Before he could finish his sentence, he felt a tap on his shoulder, "no need to shout buddy, I heard you the first time", startled, Bill turned around and was confronted by presumably the station master! "I'm sorry I didn't realise anybody was here", said a rather sheepish Bill, "you don't say", said the man pushing past Bill and opening the door to the ticket  office, " you must be Bill, am I right?" Bill felt slightly uneasy, how did he know that, he didn't know him from Adam so how the fuck did this stranger know who he was!!
"Well, WHAT DO YOU WANT", he shouted to Bill through the round grill in the window! Bill stepped back away from the counter and looked at the man, he was annoyed rather than alarmed by the attitude of this man, he thought to himself what a complete shit that this man was, he proceeded to berate the man through the window, "well excuse me, where I come from you would be considered a bit of a Git, an extremely rude Git," the man laughed loudly, "a Git you say, been called a lot of things in my time but that's a new one on me", he seemed almost pleased with this new title, still giggling to himself ,"okie dokey Bill, what can I do for you, by the way the name is Neil, some call me Mr Young others call me Shakey and before you say it, it 'ain't because of the booze or the drugs", Bill was puzzled, intrigued by the remark, he waited for the explanation,
"This 'ain't my usual job either, just helping out until the Goddamn med's kick in, I'm an epileptic you see, I have 'brainstorm's, although the Doctors prefer me to refer to 'em as seizures for Christ's Sakes, whatever, shit happens don't you agree!" Bill had known this man minutes but already he felt that he had known him forever, not liked him forever but certainly known him,  "you are not an American are you," Bill remarked at Mr Young’s accent, "correctomundo, I'm almost as British as you are, I'm from your Commonwealth, Toronto as a matter of fact," he put his face right up to the grill, and with a mocking tone he proclaimed "that's in Canada don't you know ," Bill, not wishing to be beaten, "is that so, well I never, who'd have thought", Mr Young let out a laugh that was more of an acknowledgement to his new friend, "jeez, you Brit's fucking kill me man, you kill me," and with a wink and a glint in his eye, "right then, where do you want to go Bill," Bill shook his head, "why does everybody I meet seem to know my name, I'm a desert virgin who has never been this way in his life, a newbie for Christ's sake, smiling as he looked at him and nodding in agreement ,Mr Young went on, "Holy Moly, you yak on more than my old lady!", he left the ticket booth and met Bill outside by the counter, "look hombre, you are here because you want to be here, we knew you were coming one day, so just go with the flow buddy, you got to keep moving, remember, rust never sleeps", Bill looked up at him in realisation as to who Shakey, Mr Young, really was! Lost for the right thing to say, Mr Young slapped Bill on the shoulder', "you like that phrase, that's one of mine!" Wondering what he was talking about Bill asked, "One of yours? What might that be?" Letting the door close behind him, "fucking hell dude!, rust of course, you gotta get with the programme if you want to ride with me!", getting more puzzled with each passing second Bill looked at Mr Young, "I'm riding with... you? Where are we going?" Grabbing Bill's arm Mr Young announced, "Who knows, who cares, wherever that old bus wants to go, you do want to find your soul don't you?" Looking over to where Mr Young was pointing, there in front of the small station house across the other side of the track from them was a beautiful albeit, dust covered 1955 Cadillac, no ordinary Caddy, for what was unfolding as no ordinary road trip, this was a hearse! "'Ain't she a beauty", said a proud Mr Young, "got her cheap, well actually, the funeral home were glad to get shot of her, she was kind of from another time, not in keeping with the image they wanted to project, they felt she would not look right in the Goddamn virtual brochure they had on their Web site,  fucking stupid if you ask me, a goddamn van would do the same job anyway, let's be honest, most passengers could not give a shit as long as it is black I suppose, then suddenly Mr Young stopped  and threw back an arm to prevent Bill passing him, he appeared to be having some kind of epiphany, this alarmed Bill, he thought that he was about to witness a seizure!  Mr Young turned around and proclaimed, "you know what, there has got to be a fucking song in there somewhere, what do you reckon hombre"!. After a few seconds had passed, Mr Young continued walking on and recounting the story of the hearse, "so she cost me next to nothing and I really like nothing, so we struck a deal,  I picked her up, filled her up and...ta-dah! "So, you coming or what, we should make the desert road before nightfall!" Bill felt like his mind had already been made up for him, "OK, let's go, but before we head out, is there a store nearby, I need to pick up a few things!" Pleased that he had a companion for the trip, Mr Young turned and walked up to Bill, "we shall call in to old man Crosby, he runs a store just as highway  21  joins the desert road, if he 'ain't  got it, believe me, you sure as hell don't need it!".
    The highway was little more than just a wide road that seemed to go for miles straight ahead into the shimmering heat haze, at least it was a relatively smooth stretch of black top, Bill thought to himself that there can't be many smooth and quieter forms of transport to be in like the one he was in, a hearse! For a vehicle of this age he was amazed at just how immaculate it was, from the steering wheel that was the size of a trash can's lid, the gentle clunk coming from the column auto change, the dials that still all appeared to work, the glass on the dials perfect, the maroon leather bench seat, this thing just purred back to a bygone time, mind you, Bill was a little uneasy about the beautiful, shiny wooden platform behind them, with its chrome runners and ornate bars each side, after all, this had until recently had to earn it's keep, this was a vehicle used for business!! During the journey to Crosby's Store, Mr Young insisted on Bill being the first to listen to a couple of songs, "Help me out here will you Bill, reach over to that box of my stuff, there is a small tape player with a tape of some stuff I want you to hear," Bill obliged and finally touched hold of a cheap little tape player with a speaker gaffer taped to it, "is this what you mean?" Bill stared at the botched up piece of tech in his hand not knowing whether or not to throw it from the open window of the 'Caddy or hand it to Mr Young, no need, Mr Young grabbed it from his grasp, "that... my friend, is a little piece of magic, just six AAA batteries and BAM!, all I need to lay down some of my thoughts!" After pushing a button on the top, with the word PLAY in tippex, Bill thought that was a bit strange, why would he need reminding which button to push, there were only three, presumably they were the regular, Stop, Start, Rewind and although the forth button was missing it must have said Forward, where is the problem he thought! 
  "OK Billy Boy, check this out and don't hold back, tell it like it is, as long as you say it is good that is, if you don't, I'll just have to kill you", Mr Young yet again roared off laughing at his own remark, " had you there, only kidding", it's Monday today, I never kill on a Monday, just a little quirk of mine! Bill fell back into the big bench seat of the 'Caddy, "that is just as well dude, Monday is a bad day for me anyway,  actually any day that ends in 'Y', so that makes us even I reckon!" Mr Young, staring straight ahead and holding the steering wheel dead still  with one hand, punched  Bill on the arm with the other, "you fucking Brit's, you are just so 'off the wall', love you Man, now listen to this, he pressed the start button and soon a tune came through the speaker.  Although Mr Young's voice was not to everyone's taste, it was haunting and seemed to go with the landscape, Bill found himself captivated, hanging on to every word that was uttered, something just seemed to hit home, it seemed to dig into his very soul, perhaps the soul he was searching for! When it had finished, Mr Young turned to him, "well, what do you think, good 'ain't it! Bill was still mulling over the words in his head, "What's it about, who is it about, fuck me man, what is it called?" Mr young looked ahead and appeared to be giving it some thought, "do you know what, I'm fucked if I know, perhaps you could help me out on that one? Bill seemed honoured in some way but very confused, "I think it's about an angel or maybe a witch in the desert and there is a fire that this dreamer type of guy who is really a free spirit but he's trapped in some way, he just wants to cut loose, so anyway he sees this fire, this light in the distance, that leads him to the other side of those hills that lead to the Canyons which  is where he has to go and she, this witchy woman, is  lighting his way, I think, kind of , maybe", Bill gazed out of the window as they purred along the blacktop, it was then that Mr young, slowly brought the hearse to a stop, turning slowly, he looked straight into Bill's eyes, “How the fuck did you know that hombre?, best you tell me how it fucking ends, he said quietly, because I'm stumped but it would appear that you are pretty well there, that is virtually spot on!" Bill looked down to his scuffed and battered fire trap boots in the foot well and then continued, " I don't know, but somehow I do, does that make sense, and anyway, never mind all that, you still have not told me, how the fuck do you know my name is Bill!"., drumming the huge steering wheel, Mr Young just smiled knowingly and holding out a hand he said simply, "we're here, Bill, I give you...Crosby's Store!"
Like a dust bowl relic from those black and white days, there it stood, the store, or was it a shack or more like a stand, whatever, according to Mr Young this guy Crosby,  he sells it all, they both got out of the 'Caddy and walked over towards the door!
    "Hey Croz you old bastard, get your arse out here, someone I want you to meet!" Bill was stood behind Mr Young and waited for the next move of this road trip to play out! "Who you calling an old bastard, last person to call me that was....my mom, no, wait a minute”, he paused to think for a few seconds, “no, it was my third wife and she was a bitch, she never understood me”, they just looked at each other, burst out laughing and hugged one and other the way old friends do. "Ok you old fence jumper you, what brings you here, is it my wine, my woman, my songs or maybe you need a bit of my weed, you always want some of my weed, it's a good job we are amigos or I would tell you to go and, I don't know, phone Elvis or something," Mr Young pulled his friend close, "I tried that but ain't you heard", Croz stepped back and looked his friend straight in the eye, "heard, heard what?", looking around him, Mr Young quietly replied, "I tried that but he must have gone ex-directory, because he sure ain't picking up, reckon he ‘aint home!" With that the two friends burst out laughing, Bill started to laugh too, not at the joke but at the two men in front of him so obviously the best of friends aching  with laughter! A few minutes later when the laughter had subsided Croz turned towards this 'new' stranger, "so you are Bill are you, we knew you would come see us some day," Bill had by now given up, they 'all' knew him, they 'all' knew he was coming and they 'all' knew why, except Bill of course! 
    "He needs some supplies for his ruck sack, what ya got to make him smell a bit nicer", said Mr Young whilst thumbing through the latest copy of Motor Trend, "you are going to pay for that I hope", barked Croz, "this 'ain't no library, I've got to make a living you know", Mr Young raised his eyebrows,"OK,ok, I’ll put it in the bag with his  stuff, he'll pay", he said winking to Croz. Bill had been filling a basket with all of the things that he needed or 'thought' that he needed, deodorant for a start, some toothpaste and mouthwash, a couple of litre bottles of still water, he then started to scour the shelves for things to eat on the trip! A big bag of potato chips for starters, some peanuts, fruit he thought, got to pick up some fruit, it's been a while, don't want to get scurvy, he smiled to himself as he saw a stand with apples and bananas, Christ those Melons look good and so do the grapefruit, he was just about to pick one of each up when he remembered, no knife, "shit, that rules them out", he turned to Mr Young who was tapping him on the shoulder and  reading his mind it would seem, he was pointing to another display stand of hardware, "this what you want amigo?" There in a big display bucket were some packs of plastic cutlery including a larger, sharper knife that was more than adequate to take on a grapefruit! "Make sure you pick up two of everything won't you", said Mr Young , "two, why two, are they that disposable," said Bill  quizzically , "no, I just thought that they look far too big for one person, so,  I don't mind if I join you, as long as you don't mind that is" , he said with a wink while looking over Bills shoulder at a stand containing some Snickers and Mars Bars, "they look good too, grab a handful  of them, got to keep up our sugar levels, I reckon we should grab a cup of Joe while we are here, got to have that caffeine buzz this time of day."' Bill pulled out his wallet ready to pay, "Is there anything else while you are at it", he said smiling and shaking his head," do you know what Billy boy, I think that's it, Croz add this lot will you, I think we are just about good to go". Croz looked at the basket of supplies, "OK, let's see, health and beauty products, deodorant, toothpaste, mouthwash," he then picked up a small canister of floss and looked over firstly to Bill then over to Mr Young, laughing he said, "jeez man, you’re going on a road trip not Club Med but I suppose you want to look good for the Coyotes and the Vultures," again he laughed, Mr Young rolled his eyes into the top of his hat, "come on man, leave the guy alone, he knows what he wants, and he just wants to look good before they bite his arse"', both men roared with laughter, at Bills expense of course, Bill just smiled and shook his head, "yeah, yeah how much do I owe you," he said as he pulled two twenties and a ten dollar bill out of his wallet, Croz seemed to just scan his eyes over the basket, mentally adding it all up, then looking at the notes in Bills hand," keep on looking 'cos you still have a bit more to spend and I 'ain't got no change so you just carry on looking and buying"! Bill carried on looking around and saw some matches, always handy,  then a torch, "you'll need these then", said Mr Young tossing over a couple packs of long life batteries, "will it be ok for me to buy a couple of tapes for that machine thing of yours", he asked Mr Young, "knock yourself out, as long as there is no polka or disco shit, think of my ears too!" Bill started to wade his way through the bargain bin, some Doobies and a JD Souther and Laura Nyro, Christ he thought, this is a nice selection and so cheap, Dennis Wilson, “oh man” he said out loud, “this just gets better and better”, Blood On The Tracks, he remembered that somewhere back in his past he had the album! He had nearly finished tape flicking when Mr Young threw him a couple of tapes, "got to have these in your bag", Bill looked at the tapes, Joni Mitchell, Ladies of the Canyon and the other tape he did not recognise, he turned it over and smiled, Harvest by Neil Young, he looked up at Mr Young who winked at him and smiled, "I reckon you might like that one, one of my best even if I say so myself!" Croz had done his adding up, "if you give me $50 that should be fine, Bill looked at him and said, "are you sure, that's a lot of stuff there, Croz looked over to his old friend, "is this guy for real, does he want me to give him a goddamn receipt?" He turned and went up to Bill and staring him in the face, "Bill, I like you, you seem like a real nice guy, such a good guy, I'm going to let you have this lot for nothing, ok with you?” Bill was flabbergasted, why should this guy who he hardly knew be so, charitable, so nice, Mr Young brushed up alongside Bill, "he can afford it, load it all up, say thank you like a good boy and we'll get the fuck out of here and head for the desert and go find that Witchy Woman, what do you say"! Bill looked at Mr Young then at the man loading up his rucksack,  "excuse me but, you are who I think you are aren't you," Croz smiled, "man, I am whoever you want me to be," Croz then turned to Mr Young, his thick, white hair and drooping moustache almost appeared to be silver in the sunlight, laughing to his old friend,"you best tell him that Croz is short for Crosby not Custer!" Both men gently butted heads and laughed at the comment," I reckon he knows who you are, holy fuck, I think he even knows who I am by now," Croz pulled away and looked at Bill as he packed his rucksack, "I suppose you are right but does he know who he is, does he know what he wants and who the hell this Witchy Woman is?"

To be continued..........





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